-Keep me Off-

I've been riding a roller coaster of misery for the past five years of my life.

I hate roller coasters. I throw up. I get horrible headaches. I cry. I'm miserable. The ups and downs and twists and turns ruin any ounce of joy I may have been feeling before climbing on the ride. The smart thing for me to do is to stay off the roller coaster completely. But say I get on it...when the car comes to the station at the end of the ride, I'm not going to say "that was terrible!! let's do it again!!", am I? No, I'm going to jump out of that car as fast as I can!

Why don't do I do that with my life? I hate a lot of the way my life looks. I want to throw up when I look at it. It gives me a headache. I cry. I'm miserable. The ups and downs and twists and turns ruin any ounce of joy that I have. And yet I stay on the ride. I get to the station feeling miserable, and I have every opportunity to jump off that roller coaster, and yet I stay on for another ride. I get even more miserable. I come to the station. I say "let's go again!". The ride is worse every time. I get to the station feeling worse and worse every time. Through every ride I say "this is the time I'll get off!". I get to the station and I stay in the car. Every once in a while I'll jump out of the car...but I'll get right back in before the ride starts. I can't stay away. The Station Master watches with sad eyes as He sees my misery deepen. He asks me on every trip around if I'm ready to get off yet, and I just shake my head. No, Station Master, let me go again. He lets me.

I'm back at the station and I'm getting off the ride.

This time it's going to be different. I'm begging the Station Master to not let me get back on. Whatever it takes, Station Master, restrain me. Keep me off. No matter how much I scream and cry and kick and fight to get back on, keep me off. I know it's going to hurt and it's going to be uncomfortable, Station Master, but it's what I need. I'm tired of feeling sick and miserable. I'm tired of crying. So keep me off.

-Jumping Off-

It's time for me to get off the roller coaster. The ups and downs and twists and turns need to stop.

I'll explain more later.

-Leap of Faith-

why are small steps of faith so hard? why does it feel like a huge leap?

I know I need to trust the Lord, I know I need to let go of this sin, these ashes...but I'm so afraid. I don't know how to trust Him, I don't know how to lean on Him, I don't know how to find my comfort in Him.

I do know how to hold onto this sin, I know how to trust this sin to help me feel better (at least momentarily), I know how to lean on this sin, I know how to find my comfort in this sin.

I'm scared.

Lord, I know this is what you want for me. I know it is. Help my unbelief.

-Changes-

I've spent the past two hours trying to figure out how to change my blog up. So ridiculous.

I need to get better. I still don't quite like it. Um...someone who is better at this should help me.

-Road Trip-

It's official...Carissa and I are taking our road trip!

May 12-27th, 2008. Oregon, California, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, Wyoming (including Yellowstone), Montana, Idaho, Washington.

AH. so excited.

-Pain-

Oregon Teen Dies in Crash

I've known the Bryson family since I was about 18 months old. My dad built their house for them. Once I got older, their oldest daughter, Anna (my age), and I started dancing together. Then we had all the same teachers through 8th grade, when they moved. They also went to my church at home until they moved. I credit them with having a huge part in my coming to Christ.

Please, please pray for their family. They're not doing well. I talked to Anna last night and she's having such a hard time. She and Beth were really close. Also, Anna got married back in September and two weeks later her husband deployed to Baghdad for an 18-month stint. So she doesn't have her husband here right now and her sister (her best friend) just died.

The news doesn't report this yet, but speed was definitely a factor. Beth was driving over the speed limit when she lost control. The last update that we had on Hallie (the girl riding with Beth) was that she's still in serious condition. She has internal bleeding and some pretty serious head injury.

Please, please pray for this family. Pray for Anna, for her parents, and for her other little sister. Pray for our church family, too, because we're so small and so close that when anyone takes a hit, it affects us all. Even though the Brysons have been gone for several years, they're still a part of our family.

-Medicine-

I hate this new medicine. it's messing with me physically, mentally, and emotionally. Sure, it's doing what it's supposed to do, but the side effects are SO not worth it.

Plus, it's taking away all of my ability to reason and is, therefore, also removing any shred of self-control I had left. I'm falling and I don't even care.

damn it. why did I decide that this medicine was okay? why didn't I get warned about the horrendous side effects?

-Technological Joy-

I finally have my new computer.

[insert Hallelujiah chorus]

It's a Dell Inspiron 1520. 2 gigs. Not too shabby. It has XP, not Vista. I don't know all the other details yet, I just know that I have a brilliant brother-in-law who put it together for me. And it's FAST.

yay!