-brokenness-

I hate being broken. It hurts. It's scary.

I know the end result is beauty, beauty from these ashes, but how long will it take to get there?

-struggle-

why is it that, when I feel like things are actually going OK, I get blindsided and I make a huge mistake? I don't even realize what kind of mistake I'm making until it's all over and I sit on the floor feeling like shit about myself.

*sigh* I'm so tired of this.

-come boldly-

"This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for He faced ALL of the same temptations we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come BOLDLY to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it." (Hebrews 4:15-16)

My amazing accountability partner sent me this verse today for encouragement. Funny, this is the same verse that has been absolutely breaking me down for the past few days.

My God, my holy, perfect, righteous, sinless God, tells me that I can come boldly to His throne when I need Him.

It blows me away that Jesus gives me the ability to come boldly to the throne of God. When I am in need, I can boldy approach Him and ask for help and He WILL give it to me. Why me? Why, when I have been nothing more than a wretched whore to Him, should He allow me to come to His throne and ask Him for help? And why on earth should I be able to do that boldy with the confidence that He will in fact help.

Wow.

we serve an awesome God.

-The Whore at Your Feet-

The Violet Burning - Song of the Harlot

In the night, the harlot moves across the floor
She turns the handle on the door
A hundred eyes seem to look right through her
Why she's there they're not sure
Behind her love, she falls down to her knees
Without a word, she begins to weep
And her tears, they fall down upon His feet
She smothers them with kisses
And she dries them with her hair

In my life, sorrow has kissed my lonely heart
Fear of man tears me apart
And I try, but many times I've loved the world
So many times I've been the whore
And I cried a million tears, or maybe more
So many times I have been the whore
I will fall down on my knees
And I will sing "I love You"

I will sing "I love You, my love"
And my tears, they fall down upon Your feet

Let me smother them with kisses
Let me dry them with my hair
Cause if I could be anyone at all
Well, if I could be anyone at all
Let me be the whore at Your feet
The whore at Your feet


Jesus, how many times have I been the whore? How many times have I had an affair with sin? How many times have I chosen the world over You? Too many. Jesus, I want to be the whore at Your feet. I want to fall before You and smother Your feet with kisses. Give me the strength to say "no" to the world. I can't do this without You.

-Rest for the Weary-

Cool Hand Luke - "Rest for the Weary"

Hey, it's me
I'm sorry it's so late
I can't sleep
I knew you'd be awake
You're always home
Waiting by the phone
For nights like these
When I'm feeling all alone
I wish it didn't always have to be this way
I wish that I could talk to you face to face
But nothing compares to the way
You always listen
and know just what to say

Hold my hand
I can't stand alone
Here I am
Waiting for you to take me home

Oh, I just want to sing
I wish that there were just a word
For what you mean to me
I would only say it once
In hushed tones so it would not grow old
But all I have Is, "I love you"

You're my Jesus, You're my hero
Everything I wish that I could be
(x2)

You're the one who comforts me
When everyone has gone away
(x5)

I can't stand alone
Here I am
Waiting for you to take me home

I will keep on singing because you hear me
And I will keep on smiling because you're near me
I'll sleep well in a promise tonight


oh how I need rest...Jesus, give my weary soul rest.