New.

I have a new blog........check it here: http://dailysurrenderings.wordpress.com/

yeah. lots of reasons for the change.

-Ache-

Why is it so much easier to allow a guy to break my heart than it is to step back and say "no"?

*sigh*

-Inside Out-

A thousand times I've failed
still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
still I'm caught in Your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
to love You from the inside out

Your will above all else
my purpose remains
The art of losing myself
in bringing You praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
to love You from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
from the inside out Lord, my soul cries out


We sang this song at church yesterday. It broke me. Especially the first verse and chorus. I'm ready for God to consume me. To change me. To shape me. I'm ready to live for Him. To love Him. To serve Him. From the inside out.

-Completely Known-

Andy never had a father
who was anywhere nearby
and when he was and Andy asked him things
he couldn't get him to reply

So Andy taught himself the things
that he thought he might ought to know
when he talks about the wintertime
he says "I understand the snow"

Andy left his small hometown
he went to college and he majored in art history
Now he lives in a canvas world
As a docent in a gallery

Andy speaks aesthetically
he can quantify the beautiful
But he can hardly feel inside
so he just does what's dutiful

Julie's tendency's to freeze
whenever she's confronted
She's borne so many losses
that her senses have been blunted

She learned about death and dying
when she was only six years old
Since then everyone she meets
seems a little cold

She's tried to change herself
by being a good lover
But every time she finds someone good
He leaves her 'cause he says she smothers

And she lost count a year ago
when she was livin' in West Virginia
The last one never even told her it was over, in fact
as he left he said, "I got a ring I'm gonna send ya"

And I used to bathe in tears at night
'cause I felt like I was on my own
I used to think that I would never be
completely known

I used to hold on tightly
to the sorrows that I owned
But they were all I knew
they had run me through
and they had left me
all alone

I used to pray every day
that God would mend what's torn
And now I see the only way is to die...
to die...
and be reborn
I have finally found a way to live
in the presence of the Lord


Gosh. I feel Julie's pain so deeply...why, Lord? Change the name to "Kiva" and you have me. again. broken.

Lord, I want to be completely known.

-Nothing-

I am so confused.

I don't know what I'm thinking or what I'm doing.

I don't know what I should be thinking or what I should be doing.

*sigh*

-Brutal-

I have a quadruple sinus infection. As in: an infection in 4 of my 6 sinus cavities. pain.

-Resignation-

I think I've finally resigned myself to the fact that I need to get my surgery.

I don't want to. I can't afford it. I'm scared. I don't like what it's going to do for me for the first little bit. Did I mention that I'm scared?

-Tied Together-

Tied Together with a Smile - Taylor Swift

Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty
Is the face in the mirror looking back at you
You walk around here thinking you're not pretty
But that's not true, cause I know you...

Hold on, baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go... and no one knows
That you cry, but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone

I guess it's true that love was all you wanted
Cause you're giving it away like it's extra change
Hoping it will end up in his pocket
But he leaves you out like a penny in the rain
Oh, cause it's not his price to pay
Not his price to pay...

Hold on, baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go... and no one knows
That you cry, but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone

You're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone... oh
Goodbye, baby
Goodbye, baby
With a smile, baby, baby

-Broken-

I guess God has decided that I haven't had enough brokenness in my life.

Or maybe it's the fact that I am so stubborn that He has to break me over the same thing time and time again...and maybe, at some point in time, I'll finally learn my lesson.

-Home-

It's a sad day when "home" is no longer home.

-Memorial Stones-

Joshua 3

Crossing the Jordan

1 Early in the morning Joshua and all the Israelites set out from Shittim and went to the Jordan, where they camped before crossing over. 2 After three days the officers went throughout the camp, 3 giving orders to the people: "When you see the ark of the covenant of the LORD your God, and the priests, who are Levites, carrying it, you are to move out from your positions and follow it. 4 Then you will know which way to go, since you have never been this way before. But keep a distance of about a thousand yards between you and the ark; do not go near it."

5 Joshua told the people, "Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the LORD will do amazing things among you."

6 Joshua said to the priests, "Take up the ark of the covenant and pass on ahead of the people." So they took it up and went ahead of them.

7 And the LORD said to Joshua, "Today I will begin to exalt you in the eyes of all Israel, so they may know that I am with you as I was with Moses. 8 Tell the priests who carry the ark of the covenant: 'When you reach the edge of the Jordan's waters, go and stand in the river.' "

9 Joshua said to the Israelites, "Come here and listen to the words of the LORD your God. 10 This is how you will know that the living God is among you and that he will certainly drive out before you the Canaanites, Hittites, Hivites, Perizzites, Girgashites, Amorites and Jebusites. 11 See, the ark of the covenant of the Lord of all the earth will go into the Jordan ahead of you. 12 Now then, choose twelve men from the tribes of Israel, one from each tribe. 13 And as soon as the priests who carry the ark of the LORD -the Lord of all the earth—set foot in the Jordan, its waters flowing downstream will be cut off and stand up in a heap."

14 So when the people broke camp to cross the Jordan, the priests carrying the ark of the covenant went ahead of them. 15 Now the Jordan is at flood stage all during harvest. Yet as soon as the priests who carried the ark reached the Jordan and their feet touched the water's edge, 16 the water from upstream stopped flowing. It piled up in a heap a great distance away, at a town called Adam in the vicinity of Zarethan, while the water flowing down to the Sea of the Arabah (the Salt Sea) was completely cut off. So the people crossed over opposite Jericho. 17 The priests who carried the ark of the covenant of the LORD stood firm on dry ground in the middle of the Jordan, while all Israel passed by until the whole nation had completed the crossing on dry ground.

Joshua 4

1 When the whole nation had finished crossing the Jordan, the LORD said to Joshua, 2 "Choose twelve men from among the people, one from each tribe, 3 and tell them to take up twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan from right where the priests stood and to carry them over with you and put them down at the place where you stay tonight."

4 So Joshua called together the twelve men he had appointed from the Israelites, one from each tribe, 5 and said to them, "Go over before the ark of the LORD your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, 6 to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, 'What do these stones mean?' 7 tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever."

8 So the Israelites did as Joshua commanded them. They took twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, as the LORD had told Joshua; and they carried them over with them to their camp, where they put them down. 9 Joshua set up the twelve stones that had been in the middle of the Jordan at the spot where the priests who carried the ark of the covenant had stood. And they are there to this day.

10 Now the priests who carried the ark remained standing in the middle of the Jordan until everything the LORD had commanded Joshua was done by the people, just as Moses had directed Joshua. The people hurried over, 11 and as soon as all of them had crossed, the ark of the LORD and the priests came to the other side while the people watched. 12 The men of Reuben, Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh crossed over, armed, in front of the Israelites, as Moses had directed them. 13 About forty thousand armed for battle crossed over before the LORD to the plains of Jericho for war.

14 That day the LORD exalted Joshua in the sight of all Israel; and they revered him all the days of his life, just as they had revered Moses.

15 Then the LORD said to Joshua, 16 "Command the priests carrying the ark of the Testimony to come up out of the Jordan."

17 So Joshua commanded the priests, "Come up out of the Jordan."

18 And the priests came up out of the river carrying the ark of the covenant of the LORD. No sooner had they set their feet on the dry ground than the waters of the Jordan returned to their place and ran at flood stage as before.

19 On the tenth day of the first month the people went up from the Jordan and camped at Gilgal on the eastern border of Jericho. 20 And Joshua set up at Gilgal the twelve stones they had taken out of the Jordan. 21 He said to the Israelites, "In the future when your descendants ask their fathers, 'What do these stones mean?' 22 tell them, 'Israel crossed the Jordan on dry ground.' 23 For the LORD your God dried up the Jordan before you until you had crossed over. The LORD your God did to the Jordan just what he had done to the Red Sea when he dried it up before us until we had crossed over. 24 He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the LORD is powerful and so that you might always fear the LORD your God."

Joshua set up 12 memorial stones to remember the faithfulness of the Lord. Those stones will always and forever stand as a testimony to God's faithfulness. The water was at flood stage and the Israelites stepped out into the Jordan in faith. Carrying the Ark of the Covenant, they stepped out into water that could have easily swept them away. The Lord had commanded them to cross the Jordan and they obeyed. If that's not a step of faith, I don't know what is! God was faithful to stop the flow of the Jordan, which was at flood stage, long enough to allow 40,000 Israelites to cross. In response to His incredible faithfulness, Joshua set up 12 stones to stand as a testimony to His faithfulness.

What are MY memorial stones? Here are a few...

Marco
Paula
The Lord's restoration of my sinful self
My car
Money for Italy
Chad and Kristi
Restoration of my relationship with my girls

He is so faithful...how can I ever doubt?

-Backfire-

why is it that, when I finally choose to do the right thing, even though it's crazy hard, it desperately hurts? I fought and fought on this decision, didn't want to do it, but I knew it was the right choice to make. and now i've hurt someone deeply...and i feel like crap.

tonight's going to be a long night.

-Mighty to Save-

Hillsong - Mighty to Save

Everyone needs compassion
A love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
A kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations

Savior
He can move the mountains
My God is Mighty to save
He is Mighty to save
Forever
Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender

Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus


I am so thankful that I serve a God who is MIGHTY to save.

-AH-

2 days and 5 hours.

-Frustration-

"To educate Christians who will make a difference in the world for Jesus Christ. Matthew 28:19-20" -- Corban College's mission statement, taken from the Corban website.

Matthew 28:19-20 reads, "Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."

I am getting ready to leave (in 5 days) for a Spring Break mission trip that is organized through Corban and Saint's Equipped to Evangelize. We have been working since October to prepare for this mission trip. Our team mission is based off of two verses in the New Testament. In the book of Matthew. In chapter 28. Ironically enough, these are the same two verses as exist in Corban's mission statement.

We are going forth to make disciples. We are following Christ's command to go. Shouldn't my Christian school, which exists to "educate Christians who will make a difference in the world for Jesus Christ", support our team? One would think.

Only that's not the case.

I have fought tooth and nail with the academic council this year. They have denied some of my fundraisers and have been adament about not allowing us to be excused for the 3 days of classes we will be missing while in Italy. My team members have all saved up their three allotted "excused" absences for every one of their classes. They have not skipped a class yet so that they can use those allotted absences for the days of classes we will miss next week.

And yet I hear things like this from the professors:
"If you miss the exam because of a mission trip, you will not be allowed to make it up. You will have to take a zero on the exam. Mission trips do not count as excused absences."
"You cannot expect me to be okay with you missing two days in a row of this class."
"Mission trips should not happen over Spring Break. It is not a worthy reason to miss class."
"These trips could just as easily happen in May, after school is out, when students wouldn't be missing class."
"It is disrespectful for you to miss my class for a trip that you want to go on."
"Students missing the days before Spring Break is uncalled for. Things will be very different next year."

It makes me sick.

These professors condemn the mission trips out of one side of their mouth and encourage the athletes out of the other side. Most athletes miss class at least once a week to travel to games, and every one of their sports absences are excused. If they miss a test, they have several days after returning from their absence to complete the test. They still receive points for doing the reading for class, even if they're gone when the prof records the reading.

And, no, I am not exaggerating on the athlete information. I have talked to multiple athletes about what happens when they miss classes for games and the same thing is true across the board.

I have heard the argument that, because the school is paying the athletes to be here, they need to excuse their athletic absences. My question is this: shouldn't those of us who are paying to be here be allowed to use our three allotted absences however we wish? Or, better yet, shouldn't a school who exists to "educate Christians who will make a difference in the world for Jesus Christ" support the school sponsored mission trips and excuse students for missing two days of class?

It makes me sick. We are going halfway across the world to Satan's backyard, and we're not even being supported by the professors at our CHRISTIAN school.

Now, this does not reflect the view of every professor at Corban. I have come across plenty of professors who whole-heartedly support the teams. These professors have blessed and encouraged my heart an incredible amount over the past three years that I've gone to Italy. I am so thankful for them.

It just hurts my heart that the rest of the school can't get behind us and support the fact that we are going to share a life-changing truth with these people who may not hear it otherwise. I just want things to go back to my freshman year, where almost half of the school went on missions trips, and everyone was excused.

Corban is changing a lot....and I don't think it's always for the better. It hurts my heart.

-Exhausted-

In the past 60 hours, I've had 4.5 hours of sleep.

sick. why do college profs schedule half your tests and make almost every paper due in the same week? theology mid-term, LD test, CAC paper, LD paper, another LD paper, HJC test...all in one week. plus trying to do everything that I'll miss next week.

MISERY.

-Where I'm At-

I am stressed.
I am excited.
I am exhausted.
I am blessed.
I am ready to quit.
I am restored.
I am broken.
I am beautiful.
I am hurting.
I am held.
I am afraid.
I am secure.
I am nervous.
I am protected.
I am weak.
I am strengthened.
I am persecuted.
I am safe.
I am alone.
I am loved.
I am loved,
I am loved,
I am loved.

-So Close-

12 days.

I can't wait.

We're still over $7,000 short. I can't wait to see how the Lord is going to provide. This is such a challenging, heart-wrenching, stretching, growing, faith-building experience.

Satan does not want us on this trip. He's tried (and succeeded) to discourage my heart and my team's hearts so many times. He's thrown up countless road blocks. But my God has knocked all of them down. THROWN them down.

I can't wait to see the wait He provides this time.

-Provision-

My team is leaving for Italy in 15 days (wahoo!!). As of Friday, we still needed $13,000 for our trip. Rather scary. We were starting to feel a little more confident, though, because we had 2 fundraisers planned for this past weekend: Krispy Kremes and a can/bottle drive.

Saturday morning, I left school at 5:30 with three of my teammates. We followed our mapquest directions to a T and they sent us completely the wrong way. Lame.

We finally got to Krispy Kreme about 20 minutes late (good thing they give you a 1 hour window!). I walked up to the counter and explained that we were there to pick up our 150 dozen fundraising doughnuts. The lady disappeared to the back room, came back out and said "I'm sorry, we don't have an order for this morning."

Great.

After some communication with the general manager and the fundraising department, they told us they would make our doughnuts - but it would take about 2 hours. We said okay because we had no choice, but, in truth, we were a little disappointed because it meant we would lose out on our two biggest selling hours - 8 to 10am.

We got the doughnuts (which barely fit in my car) and drove back here. We get to our location and it's dumping rain. Here in Oregon, the rain has to be rather crazy for us natives to say that it's truly dumping. But we got set up anyway. We didn't sell anything for the first hour. By noon we'd only sold about 20 dozen doughnuts. Discouragement was setting in pretty heavy.

We came together as a team and prayed and when we said "Amen" there was a line of 4 cars waiting for doughnuts from us AND the rain had stopped.

Throughout the rest of the day, the rain pounded, the wind blew like crazy, we had hail, thunder, everything. The last 2 hours were sunny. We had 2 dozen doughnuts left so we decided to pack up and we'd try to sell the last 2 dozen here at school. One of the girls prayed right then and there that God would help us sell that last 2 dozen. No less than a minute later, someone pulls up and asks for 2 dozen doughnuts, if we have any left. Praise GOD! We made $600 from the sales and $300 in donations. $900 in 12 hours. Praise God!

Then Sunday we spent the day doing a can/bottle drive. I honestly didn't think we'd make much. At our meeting Sunday night, my treasurer and I counted the money and we made almost $400. Wow!

Then we gathered up everyone's support checks that they'd gotten throughout the past week and we had another $2,200.

So...in 2 days...God gave my team $3,500.

It was just so amazing to see all of the road blocks that Satan was throwing up in front of us (the doughnuts, getting lost, the horrible weather, discouragement) and watching our great God tear every one of them down.

SO COOL.

And then we had a meeting Sunday night and I had each of my teammates share something that God has taught them since starting the preparations for this trip. It was so cool to see how He is working in their hearts.

-Keep me Off-

I've been riding a roller coaster of misery for the past five years of my life.

I hate roller coasters. I throw up. I get horrible headaches. I cry. I'm miserable. The ups and downs and twists and turns ruin any ounce of joy I may have been feeling before climbing on the ride. The smart thing for me to do is to stay off the roller coaster completely. But say I get on it...when the car comes to the station at the end of the ride, I'm not going to say "that was terrible!! let's do it again!!", am I? No, I'm going to jump out of that car as fast as I can!

Why don't do I do that with my life? I hate a lot of the way my life looks. I want to throw up when I look at it. It gives me a headache. I cry. I'm miserable. The ups and downs and twists and turns ruin any ounce of joy that I have. And yet I stay on the ride. I get to the station feeling miserable, and I have every opportunity to jump off that roller coaster, and yet I stay on for another ride. I get even more miserable. I come to the station. I say "let's go again!". The ride is worse every time. I get to the station feeling worse and worse every time. Through every ride I say "this is the time I'll get off!". I get to the station and I stay in the car. Every once in a while I'll jump out of the car...but I'll get right back in before the ride starts. I can't stay away. The Station Master watches with sad eyes as He sees my misery deepen. He asks me on every trip around if I'm ready to get off yet, and I just shake my head. No, Station Master, let me go again. He lets me.

I'm back at the station and I'm getting off the ride.

This time it's going to be different. I'm begging the Station Master to not let me get back on. Whatever it takes, Station Master, restrain me. Keep me off. No matter how much I scream and cry and kick and fight to get back on, keep me off. I know it's going to hurt and it's going to be uncomfortable, Station Master, but it's what I need. I'm tired of feeling sick and miserable. I'm tired of crying. So keep me off.