A Journey of Broken Surrender

New.

2008-09-23T02:55:00.000-07:00

I have a new blog........check it here: http://dailysurrenderings.wordpress.com/

yeah. lots of reasons for the change.

-Ache-

2008-06-19T09:19:00.001-07:00

Why is it so much easier to allow a guy to break my heart than it is to step back and say "no"?

*sigh*

-Inside Out-

2008-06-02T15:52:00.000-07:00

A thousand times I've failed
still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
still I'm caught in Your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
to love You from the inside out

Your will above all else
my purpose remains
The art of losing myself
in bringing You praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
In my heart, in my soul, I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
to love You from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
from the inside out Lord, my soul cries out

We sang this song at church yesterday. It broke me. Especially the first verse and chorus. I'm ready for God to consume me. To change me. To shape me. I'm ready to live for Him. To love Him. To serve Him. From the inside out.

-Completely Known-

2008-05-26T21:37:00.000-07:00

Andy never had a father
who was anywhere nearby
and when he was and Andy asked him things
he couldn't get him to reply

So Andy taught himself the things
that he thought he might ought to know
when he talks about the wintertime
he says "I understand the snow"

Andy left his small hometown
he went to college and he majored in art history
Now he lives in a canvas world
As a docent in a gallery

Andy speaks aesthetically
he can quantify the beautiful
But he can hardly feel inside
so he just does what's dutiful

Julie's tendency's to freeze
whenever she's confronted
She's borne so many losses
that her senses have been blunted

She learned about death and dying
when she was only six years old
Since then everyone she meets
seems a little cold

She's tried to change herself
by being a good lover
But every time she finds someone good
He leaves her 'cause he says she smothers

And she lost count a year ago
when she was livin' in West Virginia
The last one never even told her it was over, in fact
as he left he said, "I got a ring I'm gonna send ya"

And I used to bathe in tears at night
'cause I felt like I was on my own
I used to think that I would never be
completely known

I used to hold on tightly
to the sorrows that I owned
But they were all I knew
they had run me through
and they had left me
all alone

I used to pray every day
that God would mend what's torn
And now I see the only way is to die...
to die...
and be reborn
I have finally found a way to live
in the presence of the Lord

Gosh. I feel Julie's pain so deeply...why, Lord? Change the name to "Kiva" and you have me. again. broken.

Lord, I want to be completely known.

-Nothing-

2008-05-18T13:25:00.000-07:00

I am so confused.

I don't know what I'm thinking or what I'm doing.

I don't know what I should be thinking or what I should be doing.

*sigh*

-Brutal-

2008-05-14T12:40:00.000-07:00

I have a quadruple sinus infection. As in: an infection in 4 of my 6 sinus cavities. pain.

-Resignation-

2008-05-12T17:55:00.000-07:00

I think I've finally resigned myself to the fact that I need to get my surgery.

I don't want to. I can't afford it. I'm scared. I don't like what it's going to do for me for the first little bit. Did I mention that I'm scared?

-Tied Together-

2008-05-12T00:02:00.000-07:00

Tied Together with a Smile - Taylor Swift

Seems the only one who doesn't see your beauty
Is the face in the mirror looking back at you
You walk around here thinking you're not pretty
But that's not true, cause I know you...

Hold on, baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go... and no one knows
That you cry, but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone

I guess it's true that love was all you wanted
Cause you're giving it away like it's extra change
Hoping it will end up in his pocket
But he leaves you out like a penny in the rain
Oh, cause it's not his price to pay
Not his price to pay...

Hold on, baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go... and no one knows
That you cry, but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone

You're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone... oh
Goodbye, baby
Goodbye, baby
With a smile, baby, baby

-Broken-

2008-05-09T20:34:00.000-07:00

I guess God has decided that I haven't had enough brokenness in my life.

Or maybe it's the fact that I am so stubborn that He has to break me over the same thing time and time again...and maybe, at some point in time, I'll finally learn my lesson.

-Home-

2008-04-13T12:38:00.000-07:00

It's a sad day when "home" is no longer home.

-Memorial Stones-

2008-04-11T13:24:00.000-07:00

Joshua 3

Crossing the Jordan

1 Early in the morning Joshua and all the Israelites set out from Shittim and went to the Jordan, where they camped before crossing over. 2 After three days the officers went throughout the camp, 3 giving orders to the people: "When you see the ark of the covenant of the LORD your God, and the priests, who are Levites, carrying it, you are to move out from your positions and follow it. 4 Then you will know which way to go, since you have never been this way before. But keep a distance of about a thousand yards between you and the ark; do not go near it."

5 Joshua told the people, "Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the LORD will do amazing things among you."

6 Joshua said to the priests, "Take up the ark of the covenant and pass on ahead of the people." So they took it up and went ahead of them.

7 And the LORD said to Joshua, "Today I will begin to exalt you in the eyes of all Israel, so they may know that I am with you as I was with Moses. 8 Tell the priests who carry the ark of the covenant: 'When you reach the edge of the Jordan's waters, go and stand in the river.' "

9 Joshua said to the Israelites, "Come here and listen to the words of the LORD your God. 10 This is how you will know that the living God is among you and that he will certainly drive out before you the Canaanites, Hittites, Hivites, Perizzites, Girgashites, Amorites and Jebusites. 11 See, the ark of the covenant of the Lord of all the earth will go into the Jordan ahead of you. 12 Now then, choose twelve men from the tribes of Israel, one from each tribe. 13 And as soon as the priests who carry the ark of the LORD -the Lord of all the earth—set foot in the Jordan, its waters flowing downstream will be cut off and stand up in a heap."

14 So when the people broke camp to cross the Jordan, the priests carrying the ark of the covenant went ahead of them. 15 Now the Jordan is at flood stage all during harvest. Yet as soon as the priests who carried the ark reached the Jordan and their feet touched the water's edge, 16 the water from upstream stopped flowing. It piled up in a heap a great distance away, at a town called Adam in the vicinity of Zarethan, while the water flowing down to the Sea of the Arabah (the Salt Sea) was completely cut off. So the people crossed over opposite Jericho. 17 The priests who carried the ark of the covenant of the LORD stood firm on dry ground in the middle of the Jordan, while all Israel passed by until the whole nation had completed the crossing on dry ground.

Joshua 4

1 When the whole nation had finished crossing the Jordan, the LORD said to Joshua, 2 "Choose twelve men from among the people, one from each tribe, 3 and tell them to take up twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan from right where the priests stood and to carry them over with you and put them down at the place where you stay tonight."

4 So Joshua called together the twelve men he had appointed from the Israelites, one from each tribe, 5 and said to them, "Go over before the ark of the LORD your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, 6 to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, 'What do these stones mean?' 7 tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever."

8 So the Israelites did as Joshua commanded them. They took twelve stones from the middle of the Jordan, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, as the LORD had told Joshua; and they carried them over with them to their camp, where they put them down. 9 Joshua set up the twelve stones that had been in the middle of the Jordan at the spot where the priests who carried the ark of the covenant had stood. And they are there to this day.

10 Now the priests who carried the ark remained standing in the middle of the Jordan until everything the LORD had commanded Joshua was done by the people, just as Moses had directed Joshua. The people hurried over, 11 and as soon as all of them had crossed, the ark of the LORD and the priests came to the other side while the people watched. 12 The men of Reuben, Gad and the half-tribe of Manasseh crossed over, armed, in front of the Israelites, as Moses had directed them. 13 About forty thousand armed for battle crossed over before the LORD to the plains of Jericho for war.

14 That day the LORD exalted Joshua in the sight of all Israel; and they revered him all the days of his life, just as they had revered Moses.

15 Then the LORD said to Joshua, 16 "Command the priests carrying the ark of the Testimony to come up out of the Jordan."

17 So Joshua commanded the priests, "Come up out of the Jordan."

18 And the priests came up out of the river carrying the ark of the covenant of the LORD. No sooner had they set their feet on the dry ground than the waters of the Jordan returned to their place and ran at flood stage as before.

19 On the tenth day of the first month the people went up from the Jordan and camped at Gilgal on the eastern border of Jericho. 20 And Joshua set up at Gilgal the twelve stones they had taken out of the Jordan. 21 He said to the Israelites, "In the future when your descendants ask their fathers, 'What do these stones mean?' 22 tell them, 'Israel crossed the Jordan on dry ground.' 23 For the LORD your God dried up the Jordan before you until you had crossed over. The LORD your God did to the Jordan just what he had done to the Red Sea when he dried it up before us until we had crossed over. 24 He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the LORD is powerful and so that you might always fear the LORD your God."

Joshua set up 12 memorial stones to remember the faithfulness of the Lord. Those stones will always and forever stand as a testimony to God's faithfulness. The water was at flood stage and the Israelites stepped out into the Jordan in faith. Carrying the Ark of the Covenant, they stepped out into water that could have easily swept them away. The Lord had commanded them to cross the Jordan and they obeyed. If that's not a step of faith, I don't know what is! God was faithful to stop the flow of the Jordan, which was at flood stage, long enough to allow 40,000 Israelites to cross. In response to His incredible faithfulness, Joshua set up 12 stones to stand as a testimony to His faithfulness.

What are MY memorial stones? Here are a few...

Marco
Paula
The Lord's restoration of my sinful self
My car
Money for Italy
Chad and Kristi
Restoration of my relationship with my girls

He is so faithful...how can I ever doubt?

-Backfire-

2008-04-06T23:42:00.000-07:00

why is it that, when I finally choose to do the right thing, even though it's crazy hard, it desperately hurts? I fought and fought on this decision, didn't want to do it, but I knew it was the right choice to make. and now i've hurt someone deeply...and i feel like crap.

tonight's going to be a long night.

-Mighty to Save-

2008-04-05T14:31:00.001-07:00

Hillsong - Mighty to Save

Everyone needs compassion
A love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
A kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations

Savior
He can move the mountains
My God is Mighty to save
He is Mighty to save
Forever
Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender

Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus

I am so thankful that I serve a God who is MIGHTY to save.

-AH-

2008-03-16T22:48:00.001-07:00

2 days and 5 hours.

-Frustration-

2008-03-14T20:09:00.000-07:00

"To educate Christians who will make a difference in the world for Jesus Christ. Matthew 28:19-20" -- Corban College's mission statement, taken from the Corban website.

Matthew 28:19-20 reads, "Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age."

I am getting ready to leave (in 5 days) for a Spring Break mission trip that is organized through Corban and Saint's Equipped to Evangelize. We have been working since October to prepare for this mission trip. Our team mission is based off of two verses in the New Testament. In the book of Matthew. In chapter 28. Ironically enough, these are the same two verses as exist in Corban's mission statement.

We are going forth to make disciples. We are following Christ's command to go. Shouldn't my Christian school, which exists to "educate Christians who will make a difference in the world for Jesus Christ", support our team? One would think.

Only that's not the case.

I have fought tooth and nail with the academic council this year. They have denied some of my fundraisers and have been adament about not allowing us to be excused for the 3 days of classes we will be missing while in Italy. My team members have all saved up their three allotted "excused" absences for every one of their classes. They have not skipped a class yet so that they can use those allotted absences for the days of classes we will miss next week.

And yet I hear things like this from the professors:
"If you miss the exam because of a mission trip, you will not be allowed to make it up. You will have to take a zero on the exam. Mission trips do not count as excused absences."
"You cannot expect me to be okay with you missing two days in a row of this class."
"Mission trips should not happen over Spring Break. It is not a worthy reason to miss class."
"These trips could just as easily happen in May, after school is out, when students wouldn't be missing class."
"It is disrespectful for you to miss my class for a trip that you want to go on."
"Students missing the days before Spring Break is uncalled for. Things will be very different next year."

It makes me sick.

These professors condemn the mission trips out of one side of their mouth and encourage the athletes out of the other side. Most athletes miss class at least once a week to travel to games, and every one of their sports absences are excused. If they miss a test, they have several days after returning from their absence to complete the test. They still receive points for doing the reading for class, even if they're gone when the prof records the reading.

And, no, I am not exaggerating on the athlete information. I have talked to multiple athletes about what happens when they miss classes for games and the same thing is true across the board.

I have heard the argument that, because the school is paying the athletes to be here, they need to excuse their athletic absences. My question is this: shouldn't those of us who are paying to be here be allowed to use our three allotted absences however we wish? Or, better yet, shouldn't a school who exists to "educate Christians who will make a difference in the world for Jesus Christ" support the school sponsored mission trips and excuse students for missing two days of class?

It makes me sick. We are going halfway across the world to Satan's backyard, and we're not even being supported by the professors at our CHRISTIAN school.

Now, this does not reflect the view of every professor at Corban. I have come across plenty of professors who whole-heartedly support the teams. These professors have blessed and encouraged my heart an incredible amount over the past three years that I've gone to Italy. I am so thankful for them.

It just hurts my heart that the rest of the school can't get behind us and support the fact that we are going to share a life-changing truth with these people who may not hear it otherwise. I just want things to go back to my freshman year, where almost half of the school went on missions trips, and everyone was excused.

Corban is changing a lot....and I don't think it's always for the better. It hurts my heart.

-Exhausted-

2008-03-13T18:42:00.000-07:00

In the past 60 hours, I've had 4.5 hours of sleep.

sick. why do college profs schedule half your tests and make almost every paper due in the same week? theology mid-term, LD test, CAC paper, LD paper, another LD paper, HJC test...all in one week. plus trying to do everything that I'll miss next week.

MISERY.

-Where I'm At-

2008-03-12T16:20:00.000-07:00

I am stressed.
I am excited.
I am exhausted.
I am blessed.
I am ready to quit.
I am restored.
I am broken.
I am beautiful.
I am hurting.
I am held.
I am afraid.
I am secure.
I am nervous.
I am protected.
I am weak.
I am strengthened.
I am persecuted.
I am safe.
I am alone.
I am loved.
I am loved,
I am loved,
I am loved.

-So Close-

2008-03-07T16:22:00.000-08:00

12 days.

I can't wait.

We're still over $7,000 short. I can't wait to see how the Lord is going to provide. This is such a challenging, heart-wrenching, stretching, growing, faith-building experience.

Satan does not want us on this trip. He's tried (and succeeded) to discourage my heart and my team's hearts so many times. He's thrown up countless road blocks. But my God has knocked all of them down. THROWN them down.

I can't wait to see the wait He provides this time.

-Provision-

2008-03-04T09:32:00.000-08:00

My team is leaving for Italy in 15 days (wahoo!!). As of Friday, we still needed $13,000 for our trip. Rather scary. We were starting to feel a little more confident, though, because we had 2 fundraisers planned for this past weekend: Krispy Kremes and a can/bottle drive.

Saturday morning, I left school at 5:30 with three of my teammates. We followed our mapquest directions to a T and they sent us completely the wrong way. Lame.

We finally got to Krispy Kreme about 20 minutes late (good thing they give you a 1 hour window!). I walked up to the counter and explained that we were there to pick up our 150 dozen fundraising doughnuts. The lady disappeared to the back room, came back out and said "I'm sorry, we don't have an order for this morning."

Great.

After some communication with the general manager and the fundraising department, they told us they would make our doughnuts - but it would take about 2 hours. We said okay because we had no choice, but, in truth, we were a little disappointed because it meant we would lose out on our two biggest selling hours - 8 to 10am.

We got the doughnuts (which barely fit in my car) and drove back here. We get to our location and it's dumping rain. Here in Oregon, the rain has to be rather crazy for us natives to say that it's truly dumping. But we got set up anyway. We didn't sell anything for the first hour. By noon we'd only sold about 20 dozen doughnuts. Discouragement was setting in pretty heavy.

We came together as a team and prayed and when we said "Amen" there was a line of 4 cars waiting for doughnuts from us AND the rain had stopped.

Throughout the rest of the day, the rain pounded, the wind blew like crazy, we had hail, thunder, everything. The last 2 hours were sunny. We had 2 dozen doughnuts left so we decided to pack up and we'd try to sell the last 2 dozen here at school. One of the girls prayed right then and there that God would help us sell that last 2 dozen. No less than a minute later, someone pulls up and asks for 2 dozen doughnuts, if we have any left. Praise GOD! We made $600 from the sales and $300 in donations. $900 in 12 hours. Praise God!

Then Sunday we spent the day doing a can/bottle drive. I honestly didn't think we'd make much. At our meeting Sunday night, my treasurer and I counted the money and we made almost $400. Wow!

Then we gathered up everyone's support checks that they'd gotten throughout the past week and we had another $2,200.

So...in 2 days...God gave my team $3,500.

It was just so amazing to see all of the road blocks that Satan was throwing up in front of us (the doughnuts, getting lost, the horrible weather, discouragement) and watching our great God tear every one of them down.

SO COOL.

And then we had a meeting Sunday night and I had each of my teammates share something that God has taught them since starting the preparations for this trip. It was so cool to see how He is working in their hearts.

-Keep me Off-

2008-02-29T10:43:00.000-08:00

I've been riding a roller coaster of misery for the past five years of my life.

I hate roller coasters. I throw up. I get horrible headaches. I cry. I'm miserable. The ups and downs and twists and turns ruin any ounce of joy I may have been feeling before climbing on the ride. The smart thing for me to do is to stay off the roller coaster completely. But say I get on it...when the car comes to the station at the end of the ride, I'm not going to say "that was terrible!! let's do it again!!", am I? No, I'm going to jump out of that car as fast as I can!

Why don't do I do that with my life? I hate a lot of the way my life looks. I want to throw up when I look at it. It gives me a headache. I cry. I'm miserable. The ups and downs and twists and turns ruin any ounce of joy that I have. And yet I stay on the ride. I get to the station feeling miserable, and I have every opportunity to jump off that roller coaster, and yet I stay on for another ride. I get even more miserable. I come to the station. I say "let's go again!". The ride is worse every time. I get to the station feeling worse and worse every time. Through every ride I say "this is the time I'll get off!". I get to the station and I stay in the car. Every once in a while I'll jump out of the car...but I'll get right back in before the ride starts. I can't stay away. The Station Master watches with sad eyes as He sees my misery deepen. He asks me on every trip around if I'm ready to get off yet, and I just shake my head. No, Station Master, let me go again. He lets me.

I'm back at the station and I'm getting off the ride.

This time it's going to be different. I'm begging the Station Master to not let me get back on. Whatever it takes, Station Master, restrain me. Keep me off. No matter how much I scream and cry and kick and fight to get back on, keep me off. I know it's going to hurt and it's going to be uncomfortable, Station Master, but it's what I need. I'm tired of feeling sick and miserable. I'm tired of crying. So keep me off.

-Jumping Off-

2008-02-21T16:17:00.001-08:00

It's time for me to get off the roller coaster. The ups and downs and twists and turns need to stop.

I'll explain more later.

-Leap of Faith-

2008-02-20T13:26:00.001-08:00

why are small steps of faith so hard? why does it feel like a huge leap?

I know I need to trust the Lord, I know I need to let go of this sin, these ashes...but I'm so afraid. I don't know how to trust Him, I don't know how to lean on Him, I don't know how to find my comfort in Him.

I do know how to hold onto this sin, I know how to trust this sin to help me feel better (at least momentarily), I know how to lean on this sin, I know how to find my comfort in this sin.

I'm scared.

Lord, I know this is what you want for me. I know it is. Help my unbelief.

-Changes-

2008-02-17T22:13:00.000-08:00

I've spent the past two hours trying to figure out how to change my blog up. So ridiculous.

I need to get better. I still don't quite like it. Um...someone who is better at this should help me.

-Road Trip-

2008-02-15T23:06:00.001-08:00

It's official...Carissa and I are taking our road trip!

May 12-27th, 2008. Oregon, California, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, Wyoming (including Yellowstone), Montana, Idaho, Washington.

AH. so excited.

-Pain-

2008-02-04T20:26:00.000-08:00

Oregon Teen Dies in Crash

I've known the Bryson family since I was about 18 months old. My dad built their house for them. Once I got older, their oldest daughter, Anna (my age), and I started dancing together. Then we had all the same teachers through 8th grade, when they moved. They also went to my church at home until they moved. I credit them with having a huge part in my coming to Christ.

Please, please pray for their family. They're not doing well. I talked to Anna last night and she's having such a hard time. She and Beth were really close. Also, Anna got married back in September and two weeks later her husband deployed to Baghdad for an 18-month stint. So she doesn't have her husband here right now and her sister (her best friend) just died.

The news doesn't report this yet, but speed was definitely a factor. Beth was driving over the speed limit when she lost control. The last update that we had on Hallie (the girl riding with Beth) was that she's still in serious condition. She has internal bleeding and some pretty serious head injury.

Please, please pray for this family. Pray for Anna, for her parents, and for her other little sister. Pray for our church family, too, because we're so small and so close that when anyone takes a hit, it affects us all. Even though the Brysons have been gone for several years, they're still a part of our family.

-Medicine-

2008-02-03T00:25:00.000-08:00

I hate this new medicine. it's messing with me physically, mentally, and emotionally. Sure, it's doing what it's supposed to do, but the side effects are SO not worth it.

Plus, it's taking away all of my ability to reason and is, therefore, also removing any shred of self-control I had left. I'm falling and I don't even care.

damn it. why did I decide that this medicine was okay? why didn't I get warned about the horrendous side effects?

-Technological Joy-

2008-02-01T18:59:00.000-08:00

I finally have my new computer.

[insert Hallelujiah chorus]

It's a Dell Inspiron 1520. 2 gigs. Not too shabby. It has XP, not Vista. I don't know all the other details yet, I just know that I have a brilliant brother-in-law who put it together for me. And it's FAST.

yay!

-Curse you, Eve!-

2008-01-31T16:16:00.000-08:00

Ugh. I have cramps. They hurt.

I have righteous anger towards Eve.

-"Nakiva, how did you tear your pants?"-

2008-01-29T16:41:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a snow day. Beautiful, wonderful, restful snow day. I think I was praising the Lord all day for it.

Despite the bliss of cancelled classes, I still had to present myself at work at 7:15am. So much for sleeping in.

I arrived at work precisely 1 minute late. 7:16. No sooner had I grabbed my keys, inventory sheet, and cart, that I found myself being cornered by an Aramark cook.

"Are you opening the coffee shop this morning?"
"Yeah."
"Aren't you late?"
"By 1 minute."
"Bethany's looking for you."
"Where?"
"She's up at the coffee shop opening for you."

oh, heaven's perfect bliss! Bethany, the head honcho of Aramark, is upset with me. NOT a pretty picture. I gathered my needed supplies and began the trek over to the coffee shop. Let me just say, pushing a massively heavy cart up an ice and snow coated hill is NOT quite my idea of fun. Alas, it pays well. Not well actually, but a mere $7.95 an hour. Alas.

As I'm carrying the crate of milk into the coffee shop, I am again accosted, this time by the Honcho herself.

"Are you okay?"
"Yeah..."
"Why are you late then?"
"I don't have to open for another 20 minutes."
"No, you open now."
"No, I open in 20 minutes. At 7:45."
"It's 7:55 right now."
"No, it's 7:25."
"Damn! I forgot I set my watch 30 minutes fast!"

Joyus.

I proceeded to take my inventory in and prepare to unlock the gate so my caffiene-loving customers could further their addictions. As I am going to open my till, I realize that the till bag is not upstairs hwere it should be. Funny, if Honcho was opening for me, why did she not bring money? Alas. I had another 14 minutes to spare (since I was 20 minutes early) so I walked out the door to head downstairs and get my till. I shut the automatic locking door behind me.

FRICK.

My keys are sitting on the counter. Pure bliss! I scoped out my situation and decided it was far more important to have the coffee shop open than to have money in the till. I eyed the ominous accordion gate that keeps the customers out. Yes. I can fit through that 12" space between the top of the gate and the ceiling!

For some reason this sounded like a good idea. I proceeded to climb the wobbling gate, get stuck on the top, tear my pants, gash out my leg, and fall to my near death. What a way to start the morning! Within a few minutes, someone was there to deliver my till. I hadn't even needed to go through that pain!

Noel, my wonderful boss, showed up shortly after 9am to take over. The first thing he said to me when he walked in?

"Nakiva, how did you tear your pants?"

There you have it, my friends. One of my many moments of crowning glory.

-waiting-

2008-01-08T19:09:00.000-08:00

Now Playing: Todd Agnew - "Still Here Waiting"

It’s cold outside
Or is that just the chill I feel inside from standing here
Steeping in my shame
I can’t deny
I’m surrounded by the very thing You freed me from
That’s why I can’t come home

I don’t know where I turned around
From chasing what I always found completed me
More than I could dream
I don’t know why I can’t remain
Safe here where I always come to meet with you
And You always met with me
And You’re still here waiting

I fail to see
Why You’d still be waiting to forgive me
After all that I have done
But I cannot say
That one time I returned and You had turned away
Your love never fails

I don’t know where I turned around
From chasing what I always found completed me
More than I could dream
I don’t know why I can’t remain
Safe here where I always come to meet with you
And You always met with me
And You’re still here waiting

You say, "Come home" and You’ll be there
I can run into your arms

I don’t know where I turned around
From chasing what I always found completed me
More than I could dream
I don’t know why I can’t remain
Safe here where I always come to meet with you
And You always met with me
And You’re still here waiting

This song is breaking me.

Why do I choose to turn around and walk away from the one thing that completes me, the one thing that gives me true, abiding, rich joy? Instead I choose the things that give me a few minutes of pleasure, but in the end leave me steeping in my shame. He's still standing there, waiting, His arms wide open...but I have such a hard time turning back to Him. It's so much easier to just hold onto these pleasures...even if they tear me up.

-brokenness-

2007-12-30T22:28:00.000-08:00

I hate being broken. It hurts. It's scary.

I know the end result is beauty, beauty from these ashes, but how long will it take to get there?

-struggle-

2007-12-27T22:00:00.000-08:00

why is it that, when I feel like things are actually going OK, I get blindsided and I make a huge mistake? I don't even realize what kind of mistake I'm making until it's all over and I sit on the floor feeling like shit about myself.

*sigh* I'm so tired of this.

-come boldly-

2007-12-21T22:42:00.000-08:00

"This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for He faced ALL of the same temptations we do, yet he did not sin. So let us come BOLDLY to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it." (Hebrews 4:15-16)

My amazing accountability partner sent me this verse today for encouragement. Funny, this is the same verse that has been absolutely breaking me down for the past few days.

My God, my holy, perfect, righteous, sinless God, tells me that I can come boldly to His throne when I need Him.

It blows me away that Jesus gives me the ability to come boldly to the throne of God. When I am in need, I can boldy approach Him and ask for help and He WILL give it to me. Why me? Why, when I have been nothing more than a wretched whore to Him, should He allow me to come to His throne and ask Him for help? And why on earth should I be able to do that boldy with the confidence that He will in fact help.

Wow.

we serve an awesome God.

-The Whore at Your Feet-

2007-12-18T00:08:00.000-08:00

The Violet Burning - Song of the Harlot

In the night, the harlot moves across the floor
She turns the handle on the door
A hundred eyes seem to look right through her
Why she's there they're not sure
Behind her love, she falls down to her knees
Without a word, she begins to weep
And her tears, they fall down upon His feet
She smothers them with kisses
And she dries them with her hair

In my life, sorrow has kissed my lonely heart
Fear of man tears me apart
And I try, but many times I've loved the world
So many times I've been the whore
And I cried a million tears, or maybe more
So many times I have been the whore
I will fall down on my knees
And I will sing "I love You"

I will sing "I love You, my love"
And my tears, they fall down upon Your feet

Let me smother them with kisses
Let me dry them with my hair
Cause if I could be anyone at all
Well, if I could be anyone at all
Let me be the whore at Your feet
The whore at Your feet

Jesus, how many times have I been the whore? How many times have I had an affair with sin? How many times have I chosen the world over You? Too many. Jesus, I want to be the whore at Your feet. I want to fall before You and smother Your feet with kisses. Give me the strength to say "no" to the world. I can't do this without You.

-Rest for the Weary-

2007-12-09T23:40:00.000-08:00

Cool Hand Luke - "Rest for the Weary"

Hey, it's me
I'm sorry it's so late
I can't sleep
I knew you'd be awake
You're always home
Waiting by the phone
For nights like these
When I'm feeling all alone
I wish it didn't always have to be this way
I wish that I could talk to you face to face
But nothing compares to the way
You always listen
and know just what to say

Hold my hand
I can't stand alone
Here I am
Waiting for you to take me home

Oh, I just want to sing
I wish that there were just a word
For what you mean to me
I would only say it once
In hushed tones so it would not grow old
But all I have Is, "I love you"

You're my Jesus, You're my hero
Everything I wish that I could be
(x2)

You're the one who comforts me
When everyone has gone away
(x5)

I can't stand alone
Here I am
Waiting for you to take me home

I will keep on singing because you hear me
And I will keep on smiling because you're near me
I'll sleep well in a promise tonight

oh how I need rest...Jesus, give my weary soul rest.

-Masquerade: Part 1-

2007-11-27T15:56:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired of being fake.

Where does one even start in peeling away the mask?

-Rescue-

2007-10-20T11:15:00.000-07:00

I need You Jesus
to come to my rescue
where else can I go?
There's no other name
by which I am saved
capture me with grace...

-Lullaby-

2007-10-11T01:05:00.000-07:00

Vienna Teng - "Lullaby for a Stormy Night"

Little child, be not afraid
though rain pounds harshly against the glass
like an unwanted stranger, there is no danger
I am here tonight.

Little child, be not afraid
though thunder explodes and lightning flash
illuminates your tear-stained face
I am here tonight.

and someday you'll know
that nature is so
the same rain that draws you near me
falls on rivers and land
on forests and sand
makes the beautiful world that you'll see
in the morning

Little child, be not afraid
though storm clouds mask your beloved moon
and its candlelight beams, still keep pleasant dreams
I am here tonight.

Little child, be not afraid
though wind makes creatures of our trees
and their branches to hands, they're not real, understand
and I am here tonight

and someday you'll know
that nature is so
the same rain that draws you near me
falls on rivers and land
on forests and sand
makes the beautiful world that you'll see
in the morning

for you know, once even I was a
little child, and I was afraid
but a gentle someone always came
to dry all my tears, trade sweet sleep for fears
and to give a kiss goodnight

well now I am grown
and these years have shown
that rain's a part of how life goes
but it's dark and it's late
so I'll hold you and wait
'til your frightened eyes do close

and I hope that you'll know...
that nature is so
the same rain that draws you near me
falls on rivers and land
on forests and sand
makes the beautiful world that you'll see
in the morning

everything's fine in the morning
the rain'll be gone in the morning
but I'll still be here in the morning...

-Vulnerability-

2007-10-03T18:42:00.000-07:00

There is so much freedom in vulnerability.

More later.

-Exposure-

2007-09-30T23:31:00.000-07:00

My pastor opened the sermon this morning with two words:

expose yourself.

Let God see you naked.

Psalm 139 talks about how God sees everything we do. He is always with us. He formed us in our mother's womb. He knows when we are waking and sleeping. He knows when we come and when we go. He knows us intimately.

He sees our flaws, our nakedness. Vulnerability exposes ugliness. If you don't expose it, how can you fix it? Don't be afraid of the intimacy that God desires.

But that intimacy is terrifying. I'm afraid of letting God see me naked, although He already knows what's there. He knows my fear and desires to turn it to peace. He knows my failures and desires to turn them to victory. He knows my ashes and desires to turn them to beauty.

So why am I so afraid?

-Masters-

2007-09-27T22:52:00.000-07:00

"Anyone who might feel reluctant to surrender his will to the will of another should remember Jesus' words, "Whosoever committeth sin is the servant of sin." We must of necessity be servant to someone, either to God or to sin. The sinner prides himself on his independence, completely overlooking the fact that he is the weak slave of the sins that rule his members. The man who surrenders to Christ exchanges a cruel slave driver for a kind and gentle Master whose yoke is easy and whose burden is light."
A.W. Tozer, "The Pursuit of God"

Why is it so much easier to let sin be my master? Why do I accept the guilt, pain, and shame that come with it? Why is it so hard to accept the freedom from these burdens?

Waterdeep - Put in Me

2007-09-26T21:55:00.000-07:00

Oh, Mercy, fall on me like a warm blanket...on my cold, cold heart
Clean me with Your blood that turns me white on the inside
I'm on my knees again 'cause I'm breaking Your heart

Put in me what I cannot buy with gold
Put in me, oh God, come restore my broken soul
Put in me what I cannot give myself
Put in me a clean heart

I know all my broken places like the back of my hand
That slapped your face again
Wash me in your love and hold me tight like a baby
Till I have no memory of ever breaking Your heart

Put in me what I cannot buy with gold
Put in me, oh God, come restore my broken soul
Put in me what I cannot give myself
Put in me a clean heart

And in the joy when you restore me I will stand and walk again
I will run into this world I will call them to come in
But I will not point my finger or grow that wicked skin
That cannot remember what I will not forget
How I broke you, or how I'm broken

Put in me what I cannot buy with gold
Put in me, oh God, come restore my broken soul
Put in me what I cannot give myself
Put in me a clean heart
a clean heart

Oh God, put in me....